A Promise to Myself

Hey guys,

This is a bit of a left turn compared to what I usually write about, and in some ways, it’s not.  Either way, I hope you enjoy these thoughts.

I’ve always been a bit of a flake.  Yeah, super surprising, I know! (NOT!)  Seeing that my posting on here is sparse and sporadic I’m sure you’ve caught on by now.

I’ve always thought…no wait…let me provide some background first.  When I was little, I was obsessed with being right.  I always had to be the “good” one.  The one who smiles, who’s sweet and is a perfect angel…at least when everyone is looking…ESPECIALLY when everyone is looking.  I thought that was how I was going to do life.  I thought that’s what I wanted.  Then I grew up and realized I’m not perfect and I will never be able to convince myself or anyone else that I am perfect.  It made me angry and bitter.  I lashed out.  I’m still lashing out today.  I think that it just isn’t fair that I’m not perfect.  Because perfect is the best, right?…right?  I’m learning it isn’t the best…and it never was, at least not for me.

Being perfect, for me, means being fake.  It means not being sincere or real or authentic with ANYONE.   If you let even one person know that you don’t have it all together than the word spreads and you can’t stop it, you can’t control it.  Being perfect means lying to people you care about.  Being perfect means hurting people who you’ll never truly get to know because there will always be a wall between you.  Being perfect means you will never be satisfied.  Being perfect means a lifetime of company with one entity…your ego.  And believe me when I say, your ego sucks!  Or at least mine does.  He tells me I’m awesome one minute and awful the next.  He tells me that my dad isn’t proud of me when I KNOW FOR A FACT, he is crazy proud of me.  My ego tells me that if it isn’t perfect, or if I can’t be the best, it isn’t worth trying.  Yeah, this guy really, really sucks.

Worst of all, being perfect means you never truly know who you are because you’ve never thought about what drives, fulfills, or excites you outside of what others think.

I don’t want to be perfect anymore.  I want to be me…whoever that is.  I want to be me more than I want to be right.  I want to be me more than I want to be liked.  (That song from Mean Girls Musical is in my head now so I’ll have Spotify play it, just for the fun of it)  I’d rather be me.  I’m not going to believe that all too familiar lie that being liked is everything.  It’s not.  Those who like me, for who I really am, mean more than a sea of fans who don’t know the first thing about me.  (You know who you are. <3)

So what does being me mean, practically speaking?

  1. I do what I say I will do when I say I will do it.
  2. I don’t lie (not to save face, not to seem better than I am, and not to myself)
  3. I don’t need to impress anyone else to feel good about myself
  4. I put others before myself (specifically my family)
  5. I know my strengths and my weaknesses and I continue to improve (for myself)
  6. I am the same person everywhere I go (no matter who is or isn’t there)
  7. I finish the hard stuff first

I want to be a person I would be impressed by.  I want to be a person I admire.  Now I sound like the speeches Matthew McConaughey gives at graduations and award ceremonies! *roll eyes*  But he’s right when he says we should compete with ourselves, the person we will be in five years.  I want to be her.  I can see her.  She’s amazing.

She doesn’t care what other people think (and not in a “I don’t give a f*ck” kind of way), in that it’s irrelevant what other people think.  I know I sound like a poster with a kitten on it saying “Don’t give up!” or something stupid like that but this is just me processing.

Cut back to me in five years.  She’s a leader in her community.  She sets an example.  She takes care of herself.  She looks out for her family.  She keeps a clean home and cooks semi-decent meals (I’m not expecting miracles here lol)  She has written and published her first novel of many.  She has a job she adores to pour her soul into without fear.  She has a guy by her side that she is devoted to because she knows she does not hide anything from him.  I know right!  She’s fricken awesome!

Today, I am not this girl.  I’m not even close.  But that’s the point.  I’m not going to get down on myself and hate myself for not being her.  The truth is, I haven’t even tried.  On the contrary, lately, I’ve given up.  So if you wonder if you’ll ever see your dreams become a reality, know that I understand.  It’s not easy to come up with a plan that can make your goals feel possible even for just a second, but that’s why you can’t quit.

You can’t quit, because I see your potential.  Just like my friends and family see it in me.  You might be thinking, “Sarah, you don’t even know me.  How could you know if I have potential or not? Pssshhhh.”

Ok, first of all, the “psshhh” was unnecessary. Lol.  Secondly, I see your potential because I know we all have potential inside of us.  God made each and every one of us.  (If you don’t share my beliefs, that’s fine, but just keep reading)  You have a purpose.  There’s a reason you are here and you aren’t going to know what it is until you’re 80-something sitting in your rocking chair looking back on your life and you’ll smile.  (Now I sound like Tony Robbins and his rocking chair theory, lol)  You aren’t supposed to know.  If I knew where I was headed it would take out all the fun in getting there.  You’re supposed to give it your all, while not knowing.

So, instead of being a flake who makes promises and never gets around to them.  I’m making myself a promise.  I’m going to keep this promise.

*raises right hand and crosses heart*

I promise to never be anyone but myself.  Good or bad, pretty or ugly, right or wrong.  I promise to be the best version of myself every day.  I promise to be grateful for the gift of a second chance.  I promise to be myself.  Just me.

I hope you found some value and relatable thoughts in this post.  Let me know what you do to process things like identity, personal responsibility, and growth.

Bye guys,

-Sarah January

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